What is a Godly quality? Really……what is it? Is it a Godly quality to be upset about a situation? Is it a Godly quality to pretend to be ok when you’re not? Is it a Godly quality to envy others? I’m thinking not to all of the above. But is it “un”Godly to be upset about a situation? To still be upset about a loss? To wish to be spoiled by the one you love? I am thinking not to those as well. How do we know what is Godly versus “un”Godly? If we are trying to live out our faith, does that mean we aren’t to establish boundaries, say no, be upset, be resentful? I think it is easy to feel like we have to be overly accommodating, work to repair a relationship, overlook hurtful actions or words and simply place our needs last in order to behave like a Godly person. After all, the Bible does state to treat others as we would treat ourselves. Funny…..using that as a defense actually says that we would in fact create boundaries, say no, be upset and be resentful, because that is exactly what we do to ourselves when we refuse to implement those same things with others. As strong as we try to be, and as much growth as we gain each day, there are moments that may knock us to our knees and bring us right back to the “un”Godly quality of being pissed off at the world. Why me?! We listen to the messages in church that tell us to be grateful for what we have and find blessings in all of the small things in life. Yes, we certainly all have much for which to be grateful, even during times of struggle. We are lucky to get to even experience the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Some would say it is those experiences which allow us to fully appreciate this life we’ve been given. I too believe that to be mostly true. There are those times, however, when life seems so cruel. It throws something our way to remind us AGAIN, in case we’ve forgotten, that loss has been experienced. I had such an experience this afternoon. My ex-husband and his new wife (who also happens to be a former good friend of mine for several years) welcomed a baby today. The kicker? My kids……you know, the ones who are also my ex-husband’s kids…..are 22 and 20. There’s a trauma one goes through when divorce happens. Sadly, there’s also a secondary, and recurring trauma, that occurs when one keeps being reminded of what failed and why you didn’t “do it right.” Everyone loves to offer reasons why you could have or should have done things differently. Believe me, those of us who divorce do a great job on our own reminding ourselves about how we failed. So many assume that you should just get over it and move on. Well, clearly there are those who do……case in point, my ex-husband and his new wife. They demolished a family and killed two marriages so that they might create their own marriage and new family, collateral damage be damned. We want what we want and we want it now. Yep, that’s one way to look at it. Then there’s the other side. The ones who placed every bit of who they were into a covenant that wasn’t meant to be broken, no matter what. Listen, I know I didn’t cause the demise of my marriage. I know that I played a part in the demise. Yet, I also know that I would sacrifice every fiber of my being for anyone whom I love. My kids know this to be true, at least I sure hope so. Anyone I’ve dated knows this to be true. For goodness sake, I sat at a park, weeks after finding out she had an affair with my husband, for four hours talking to the woman who destroyed my marriage, only to feel bad for her at the end of the conversation, rather than being incredibly livid. That’s how so very empathic I am to a fault. Fast forward three years, and here we are with a baby in tow. Should grace be extended to people who inflicted such a tremendous amount of pain? Maybe. I think it’s ok…..more than ok….healthy actually…. to extend grace and forgive. I really do. However, I also think it’s absolutely healthy to create a boundary with the access you give to the ex-spouse. I’m sure this is more challenging with shared children who are younger than 18 and still live at home. That said, I also believe it’s ok to limit interactions……to tell them not to be reaching out for any reason other than a decision that needs to be made regarding a minor or an emergency. I also believe it’s absolutely appropriate to share the experience of big events in unison for that child. That doesn’t mean you have to leave out your new partner. In fact, that’s a boundary I believe is created naturally when the ex-spouse knows that you and your new partner are a united front…..a pair….a “we”…..because all conversations and interactions include the pair. Should that be true in the case of a woman who inserted herself into a relationship via an affair? I don’t know. I do believe there’s a big distinction between starting over with someone new post divorce, versus the world accepting the relationship that occurred while married. Truth is that there are always two sides of a story. I would hope that now that this woman has become a Mom, she might have some realization of what being a Mom feels like when her sons have experienced the painful loss of their family. I wonder if she’s ever thought about what it would be like to have the grandparents of her child choose never to speak to her again because of another woman who took that life away. I wonder if she ever thinks about what kind of position this puts her stepsons in……that they have to find a way to try to be ok with the woman who inflicted pain into the marriage and stomped on the covenant. They are supposed to embrace her, embrace their father, and now a new sibling…..as if nothing happened. Many second marriages occur. Many kids embrace their step parents. Many don’t. What’s different here? It’s the months, and months, and months of befriending the wife of the man you’re sleeping with and pretending to be of comfort and empathetic to why the marriage is troubled that’s different. It’s making my kids believe you were a friend of the family for over a year of sneaking around behind everyone’s back and living a double life. It’s my ex-husband doing the same thing. It would have been so easy……ok, well maybe not so easy…..to simply end both marriages first. Some ask why that’s important. Well, because my boys deserve to know that what they saw is absolutely not a healthy relationship. I want so, so much better for them. My boys didn’t see true love. They didn’t see a couple who puts each other first. For that, I will always be disappointed in myself. I want my sons to see a relationship where someone spoils their partner. Just as I would hope they receive, I want them to love someone so deeply that they are always looking to meet the needs of their partner. I’m not speaking of extravagance or grand gestures, though there are times when such a thing might be pretty incredible. No, what I’m speaking of are the small, tiny ways that someone shows they care. It’s the note left on your car that says I’m thinking about you. It’s the special dinner they cook just for their partner. It’s showing up at work with flowers to surprise them. It’s driving to their house with a bottle of wine to cheers to more magnificent nights. It’s writing a beautiful poem about their feelings. It’s sitting in the back of the car watching the sunset and the stars peeking out. It’s sharing a song that reminds them of their partner. Little moments make a monumental difference. It shows thought shifting from them to their partner. Showered with love…….gestures of love. Gestures of caring. Moments that connect two people deeply. Relationships should bring solace to your world, especially when that world becomes almost suffocatingly difficult. Relationships also come in all forms……friendships, family, romance……all should bring peace to your world. But one, above all others, should bring you the most internal tranquility within the bustling emotions that surround your heart. That’s the one to cling to. That’s the one to be afraid to lose. That’s the one to hold tight and never let go. That’s the one to spoil! I say all of this to say that Godly and “un”Godly are able to co-exist. I actually believe that which feels “un”Godly is not so bad. It’s an expression of what hurts. It’s the vulnerability that is only achieved when you are able to express your real, true and deep feelings, inclusive of pain. That’s in fact what makes it a Godly quality. If we aren’t able to feel and express pain, we aren’t being genuine…..at least, that’s my opinion. What better Godly quality exists than being genuine?! I want my boys to experience the tremendously beautiful relationship of sharing with someone our deepest, scariest, strongest, loving, most vulnerable feelings……those that don’t require decimating others’ lives to enter into a relationship. When they achieve that, they’ve achieved true love. I didn’t have that before. I always had a guard up out of fear of the reaction. When someone truly, truly loves you, I believe they can’t walk away. I believe they are drawn exponentially closer to you. I believe they seek to understand the depths of which you’ve never allowed before. It’s scary. It feels uncomfortable for a while. It feels insecure. We worry that someone will run or say it’s too hard. But, isn’t the beauty in forever when someone doesn’t? It’s then that the scary, uncomfortable and insecure becomes the shelter which you seek and the safety which you feel. Love like that is indescribable and absolutely worth every second of effort to achieve.