I started writing about the shame of receiving alimony. You know, it’s a discussion for every divorced person on the planet. Not everyone receives it…..not everyone pays it. I wrote an entire blog about it but didn’t publish it. If someone wants to read it, let me know….maybe I’ll publish it afterall. Yet, I hear so, so many women (and a few men) talk about their worth in their former marriage. As I was writing the alimony blog, I started thinking about worth. How is our worth determined? Self Worth…….the age old question. I will say, divorce sends a shocking blow to most of us in terms of evaluating our self worth. First we are hit by our former spouse, then by the work force, and then the cruel dating world. It’s ridiculous, for sure. Our worth as kids seems determined by what our friends think of us. We grow up, and self worth becomes about what type of job we get and how much money we make. Then, our worth becomes determined by whether we are married and have children. How many children we have becomes a topic of worth…..one is too few and more than three is too many…..so they say. If you don’t have both a boy and a girl, your worth is less. So our worth is wrapped up in whether we’ve built the perfect family with the house in the suburbs, with kids, a spouse and a dog….and of course a job with upward mobility. So add in the now divorced woman who gave up a career to be a stay-at-home mother and hold down the home front while the former spouse continued to grow professionally. While the woman’s worth was already viewed as less than the working mother who could “Do It All” with a high paying job, raising kids and taking care of her spouse, now what is the stay-at-home mom’s worth? She was already deemed less than by so many. Heck….the work force proves that through divorce by saying the devoted housewife is out of touch and has been out of work too long. Some give 5 years, 10 years, 25 years to the marriage before it fails. They give their potential professional growth. Now listen. Most women (and some men, though less common) wouldn’t change their sacrifice because they had the privilege of being able to watch their kids’ every step while growing into adults. Yet, when the divorce occurs, suddenly self worth becomes front and center. Suddenly, attorneys battle over what your “worth” in the workforce should be. They have an algorithm that spits out a number, and voila, that’s your monetary worth. They calculate the the number of years you were married and just decide what your worth is from the marriage. It’s a matter of what the earning spouse now has to sacrifice. Yet, no one seems to consider how the earning spouse was able to accrue those earnings over the year while not having to give a second thought to what was happening on the homefront. We are supposed to overlook multiple affairs, physical aggression, disparaging comments, a consistent need to degrade a spouse. None of that matters, because it’s all an algorithm of numbers. Self worth is determined by finances in so many instances. I argue that self worth is found within. Nothing, and I mean nothing, from outside of ourselves and God is going to provide us with our true worth. That’s not always easy to believe or seek. We want validation from others…..it’s human nature. We want to be paid what we deem to be our value. We want all of the little things that show someone cares and values us. It’s not attraction. It’s not sex. Don’t get me wrong….those things help us to believe that our physical appearance is worthy. Yet, we age. We lose the ability to “perform” on command. Life gets into our heads and creates fog within our minds. What we are left with is this hollow space that allows for questioning our worth. Divorce highlights the things people found wrong with us. Dating highlights things that we think are wrong with us. Or so we think. Is there something actually wrong with us? Really? If we don’t believe our own worth, independent of money, or career, or alimony, or whatever we deem “worthy,” then how could we possibly ever find anyone else who believes our worth? My faith has always reminded me of my value. That’s not to say I don’t have many days where I question it. It’s not to say that there aren’t others who will try to break me down and try to convince me that I am less than. I try to surround myself with people who value what matters most. For my worth is determined by my integrity, my compassion, my beliefs, my values, my heart, my faith. Bring on the naysayers who want to see me struggle and fall into despair. They might get me for a moment, but they sure as hell won’t get me for life. I am the lucky one. I’ve learned to look within. I’ve learned to forgive, yet hold firm boundaries for what’s acceptable. I’ve learned to love freely, without worry, despite every reason I’ve experienced to not love freely. I’ve learned to reach for the supposed unreachable. I’ve learned that I deserve to have people’s time….to be their priority. I’ve learned that I deserve to be part of someone’s future hopes and dreams, and I also deserve to have my own. I’ve learned to accept that not everyone has to like me, nor do I need to like everyone. I’ve learned to get along with anyone, even those who don’t like me. I’ve learned that money…..oh, money…..it’s not an indicator of worth. It doesn’t buy happiness, nor does it bring internal peace. Most importantly, I’m LEARNING to be true to myself and know my value. That’s a continued work in progress. We aren’t alone in this journey. We simply have to keep the faith. And by the way, it’s the simple, simple things that bring love together…..the little notes to say hello, the flowers, the coke zero brought to work, the calls on the way to work or on the way home, the good morning and goodnight texts and calls, the nights spent together……these all absolutely contribute to validating someone’s worth to you. But, at the end of the day, they need to believe it for themselves.