Today, I finally took the step to restore my name to my birth name. Following divorce, it was difficult to make the change due to a multitude of reasons. Covid, trips planned and wondering if it was the right thing to have a different name from my kids all delayed today’s victory. Today, I reclaimed myself. Officially and legally. My boys are 23 and 21. They don’t have a tie to the last name I held since their birth. I believe they understand the evolution of my taking back my identity. I mean, besides the incredible satisfaction I feel becoming who I was meant to be, it is just weird for my kids to have a step-mom and Mom with the same last name. Just weird. Here is the tragedy of today. While I have this wonderful satisfaction with becoming me again, I am reflecting on who exactly I am today. I am fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life who lift me up daily. I know this. I feel it and hear it. Yet, I am here today wondering honestly who I am. I have always taken great pride in the high integrity I possess, the values I hold dear, the strength of character I show in the face of adversity. Today though……..it all seems to come into question. Just as I grasp my whole being back to self, I feel the sense of loss for what it is that makes me who I thought I was deep inside. Maybe it is just me who deals with others trying their damndest to tear me down. I do not think it is just me……. I was thinking that divorce would be it. Now is my time to rise up from the ashes. I wiped off the guilt and regret and put my big girl panties on and took charge of my future. I am working myself into the ground with graduate school, on top of making sure I am the best employee I can be. I show up early every single day and leave after most people. I work hard and I take pride in my work. I have been knocked down recently by others who wish to see me destroyed. At least in divorce, it was clear the enemy I was fighting. This time? I do not know. Perhaps it is those who see something in me that makes them feel their weaknesses. Or those who are threatened by my perceived resiliency. I say perceived, because if they saw the tears tonight, they might question my resiliency. Imagine showing up each day and facing with a smile those who want to see you destroyed. I know……you will say do not let them win. I say that to myself. I say to trust in who I know I am and that people will see the truth. I say to shake it off, shake it off. But when you become the batter in the batting cage with balls coming at you at eighty miles an hour and they just keep coming, sometimes it is hard to make contact. Instead, you swing and swing and swing, praying that one of those hard drives does not smack you in the face. I know me…..or at least, I thought I did. I also thought others knew me. I am not so sure anymore. I said in my last post that I sometimes feel like life is a kaleidoscope and it just keeps turning with colors going every which way. That is how I feel about life. I am not sure which way is up. I am no longer sure who I can trust. Even those closest to me have given me pause. I do not know why I should be surprised but people are not always who they say they are. I know…..shocker. The funny thing is that I have always believed myself to be exactly who I say I am and who you see. The stories of what I allegedly have said and done? Well, I guess you will have to decide for yourself what to believe. I am exhausted defending the right thing. As I type those words though, I am reminded that I told my boys doing the right thing is not the easy thing. As I wade through the days of my fiftieth year on earth, I am starting to question what that right thing is exactly. Makes me sad to say those words. I have never been a person who did not trust. Thank the ex-husband for bringing destroying that. As an aside, I do find myself wondering sometimes whether his new wife, my former friend, trusts him. Why do I care? I don’t actually, but there probably is a part of me that sure hopes karma comes for the two of them. Back to trust. In all aspects of life, I rarely lack trust. I believe in people being genuine, because that is who I am. I honestly do not have time to feed into drama that creates fictional narratives of one’s actions and words. I just need to figure out how to hold my head high and face those who seek to disparage. Anyway, I am going to try to hold on to the one thing that makes me remember who I am. That is my name. I am back to being me. It’s official.