Life has a funny way of teaching us to set expectations but then in a cruel twist will turnaround and tell you that your expectations are too high…..or worse, they are too low. You are not meeting someone else’s expectations. Or, you are not meeting your own. Why do we even bother in this winless game? I guess because it is human nature to strive to be someone whom others will remember one day. Will they remember though? Or are we just another body filling a space left void by someone else who did not live up to the expectations set? Our space will get filled one day too. For all of those nights you are not able to sleep, others sleep just fine. I do not know about you, but I am a get things done kind of girl. I do not like to wait for someone else to do something for me. Once a decision has been made, I get moving. Push forward. No rest for the weary. I would rather focus my energy on the task at hand and complete it rather than drag it out far longer than it ever needed to be. Good strategy? Well…….I guess that depends on who you ask. The weak will not be a fan of the push forward mentality. Now, let me be clear that push forward does not equate to a lack of planning and foresight. Quite the contrary. Pushing forward means hyper planning for me. It is a sense of accomplishment to know that I was able to pull it off and pull it off well. Take grad school for example. I decided to apply just before the deadline. I was admitted into a great program after two application rounds and a 5 hour group interview where I was grilled and asked to facilitate group conversation surrounding extremely controversial and sensitive topics. The school admitted 30 of their 1000 candidates and I was humbled to be chosen as one of those thirty. Yet, something didn’t feel right and I declined the spot. I quickly pivoted to a different school and applied and that is now where I’ve been for the last year and a half. Each class is eight weeks long, so it is fast paced. I, being the push forward girl, of course decide that it makes sense to take a full-time load while working full-time. In my mind, I cannot be part-time, for that simply delays the process. So here we are. Thankfully, I am nearing the end! Well, sort of. Back to my point. I am proud of how far I have come and how I have pushed myself to do the work. Stress has become my daily norm and some days I manage well, while others are…..let’s say……a travel through a crazy kaleidoscope of my entire life story. Yep, that is what the lucky few in my inner circle are able to experience. Do not be jealous! When I feel I have let someone down, including myself, I tend to go through a fairly predictable pattern. Maybe some of you will relate. I become hyper-focused on every shortcoming from my 49 years of being. I then easily correlate those shortcomings to this exact moment and rationalize how I am definitely not good enough in every facet of life to achieve success in this very moment. I question why I am a push forward kind of girl and wonder how I got here. Sounds fun, right? I do actually feel for those closest to me who know this pattern and have braved standing with me as I stitch the pieces. The moments always pass, not without tears and frustration, but they pass. Then, I push forward again. It is how I get things done. Sometimes, I wonder to what end am I playing this game. I try to recognize when people need me to take on their burdens. Yet, I also know I fail even with that. I can get wrapped up in my world and have blinders up for everything else. My expectations somehow get lost in the mix. I have very, very high expectations for myself. I try, try, try to be kind to everyone I meet. Kindness does not mean meek. I am direct. I stand up for my beliefs and values and ethics. Some people seem to confuse that with being unkind. I am not sure what to say about that other than it feels a bit like a personal problem. I wish that God saw fit to bless me with a warm and fuzzy demeanor. I guess His expectations were different from mine. Who am I to question the big guy upstairs?! I was called to task today by someone who I believe struggles with their own insecurities and expectations, and perhaps feels threatened by the standards I set for myself. Is that cocky? I don’t think so. I think those who are unsure of their own capabilities sometimes need to have someone else to blame……for lack of a better description in this moment. Listen, I’m writing at 11:43pm and need to be awake in six hours so I am perhaps a bit less eloquent. Here is the thing. I will not lower my standards and expectations simply because another person is unable to meet them. Nope. Been there, done that. I do however need to be reminded that sometimes it is ok to temper expectations……to know that what I believe and expect may not happen and that is ok. I cannot control all situations, though admittedly I would like to sometimes. I have to realize that while I have a vision, a dream, a push forward and “git er done” mentality, not everyone has that same drive. I can want for people to recognize my needs and wants and to act without being asked. I can want for people to do things because they want to and not because they are supposed to. I can want for people to simply acknowledge that the stress I have imposed on myself is intentional and intrinsically motivated to feel an accomplishment for not giving up. I can want for people to find value in reaching out and giving genuinely thoughtful responses when I reach out. I can want others to be forward thinkers while living and acknowledging today. I cannot however, expect that everyone will. Tempering expectations. It’s an art. Hopefully I am able to become the savvy artist who learns to look at the crazy kaleidoscope as a beautiful accomplishment.