As the great Taylor Swift said: It’s me, I’m the problem, it’s me. I must give credit to Miss Swift, but beyond those words I don’t know the rest of that song. Yet, those words are something I feel so deeply! 2024. It’s a new year. Will it be a new me? I hope not…….and I hope so. I feel the “real” me coming forward more and more each day. This new woman, or old depending on how you look at it, is an acquired taste! I am surely not everyone’s cup of tea and that is ok. All that matters is being comfortable in my own skin. I pray that those closest to me appreciate the evolution that has taken place over the last nearly four years. Heck, the evolution has been brewing for nearly 30 years but here we are, many years later, finally feeling as if I am in my own skin. It’s scary. It’s also so very liberating. I feel like I live between two worlds of crazy. My friends think I’ve disappeared into this abyss of dating, and that can’t be farther from the truth. The reality is that life has seasons. As winter approaches, so too does a different stage of life for a divorced 49 year old woman who is desperately trying to tread the deep waters of graduate school, a job and my family. Life has surely thrown many curve balls lately. It’s as if the universe wants to be very sure that we stay on our toes. No complacency allowed. One thing that’s coming into focus is that I appear to be the problem in most situations. I plan. I think about all possibilities. I am decisive when it comes to impactful decisions…….well, not if impacting my waist line counts…..then I’m for sure indecisive. I try to give people space when they need it, but also I’m not great at doing that. I also realize that I hit my limit on things too. I get to a point where I’m just done. Do you know what I mean? I feel we all get to that spot at one time or another. You know the deal……you’ve tried and tried to reach out or to reconnect and get nothing in return……not even a slight acknowledgement. After so much of that, I’m simply done. Admittedly, I am a woman who needs reassurance, despite this demeanor of strength I sometimes possess. I think we’ve all seen that when the going gets tough, I dig in and persevere. I’ve thought that I thrive under pressure. That when others are feeling pressure, I take on the calm. Inside, I’m anything but calm, but I do whatever I can to ensure that others who are feeling overwhelmed are able to find even a little comfort in knowing that I’m there picking up the extra to take that pressure off of them. Meanwhile, I’m using the proverbial duct tape to hold together the immense weight of swirl that swarms my mind and body throughout it all. All I ask, without actually asking, for in return is acknowledgement. Yes, yes, I hear you. I should not do for others expecting anything in return. Yada, yada……I don’t expect things in return, but I do expect acknowledgement. We all have a lot going on. We are all busy and overwhelmed. But yours isn’t more than mine and mine isn’t more than yours. They are just different. It’s been said to me before that my expectations of others is too high….that my standards for others are too difficult to meet. For the record, I hold myself to a very high standard and have extremely high expectations for myself. So, yes, I guess I do expect those with whom I associate to have similar standards for themselves. I hope that the things that are important to me become important to you…..just as that which you value becomes of value for me. I want my people to know me….really know me. Not the version they think I could or should be but rather the me I’m giving to them. If I’m sharing a story from childhood, you should know that it means you are my people. Please listen. It may not seem relevant but I wouldn’t share unless I believe it shows more of the real me to you. Please take that to heart. If I’m silent, there’s a problem. Ask. Seek to know. Seek to learn. Have empathy. As mentioned earlier, I take on far more than I ever should. I do it for my people. Sometimes I do it for strangers. I care and want to make things easier for others even if it means making things harder for me. If I’m doing it right, you’ll never know and may not notice. Just remember though, I am more fragile than I appear. Under my armor is a delicate tapestry of pure love for my people. I know that makes me the problem nine times out of ten. It’s me. I’m the problem. I guess life would be simpler if I just didn’t care and only thought about number one. Instead, I insert myself, overextend, over care, and try really hard to hold in anxiety that builds by the minute. I watch people pull away over time. Older people discuss the changing tides of friendships and even family relationships. We think we understand what people are going through and we say we want to listen, but not many actually stick around long enough to ride the roller coaster with you. It’s sad really. I had much with a friend a few weeks ago and we talked about how , as we get older, particularly as our kids age out of school, we find out that some whom we thought were in our closest circle were actually passersby. They were seasonal. Not ones to ride to the end. Is that a sad realization or just simply accepting life as it is? Maybe a little of both. I get it. I’m the one who reached the limit. Im the one who took on too much. Though, one could argue whether that was by choice or the consequence of the curve ball life decided to launch into my universe. Either way, I’m the one who feels too much. I’m the one who didn’t call enough. I’m the one who isn’t quiet enough. I’m the one who didn’t “do” enough. I’m the one who didn’t try hard enough. So here I am saying I get it. For all those who choose to listen no more……Yep, it’s me. I’m the problem. It’s me.