I say this all the time these days…..it’s been so long since I last posted. I have thoughts in my mind but can’t seem to make the time to put them together. I’m halfway through my three year graduate school program and it has been nothing short of exhausting. I’ve watched my health take a hit, along with my energy. Back in 2021, I was in amazing shape, working out daily, and eating well. More than that, I was getting a doctor recommended amount of sleep. Fast forward to today, and all of that has fallen far short of what I hoped I would be today. The lesson I’ve learned, and I do believe it to be a blessed lesson, is that I cannot do it all. I have to learn to give up control on every aspect of life and do the best I can. I place so much pressure on myself to excel and make things good for everyone around me. Sadly, I often fail. This holiday season has been a very tough one. It basically started from late October through now. I could not seem to find the peace I had hoped for everyone around me. There were some extremely stressful moments mixed with quite joyous moments. Admittedly, I made some mistakes along the way, especially as it relates to others. Work has been extremely challenging, though we all pulled together to find the joy in each day. On the personal front, sheer exhaustion from keeping up with my grad school work, following late work days, created within me a more sarcastic temperament, and a definite heightened level of sensitivity. For anyone whom I may have offended with my dry humor and sarcastically sensitive personality, I am truly apologetic. If you know me, especially those who have known me for many years, you know that I take it hard if I realize I’ve offended someone. It consumes me to the point where I try so hard to figure out how to apologize well enough for the person to forgive me. That brings me back to the holidays. I expressed to several that I was struggling to find joy in the season this year. Seems silly, given how fortunate I am. I absolutely love Christmas. Everything about it makes me happy. It is my chance to give to others and to make them feel special in some small way. Yet, there’s that pressure thing again. And this year in particular, I felt extra pressure to make things perfect for my boys and all of those closest to me. This year was the first year I was without either of my kids for a holiday…..Thanksgiving. Because I didn’t have them home for Thanksgiving, I felt even more compelled to make Christmas that much more special. I know this year is simply the first of many I will experience without my children…..and that’s because they’re not children anymore. Parents, especially divorced ones, have to let go of the ideal that their kids are always home for the holidays. In particular, divorced parents who live in different homes, towns, states…..they cannot place pressure on their grown children to choose them. You may roll your eyes thinking how ridiculous this is, but it’s a real feeling that so many feel. This season, I was reminded of that sentiment, as I witnessed some pretty horrendous behavior from others towards their kids. It’s sad. I hope to God my kids never feel that from me. The best gift I was given this year was everyone together on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. There is literally nothing better!

I was asked over this holiday season if marriage was in my future. I sure as heck dream for it to be my future. As my kids forge their own paths with new beginnings, I too am forging my own path….my new awakening if you will. Surely God has not walked with me through the storms only to keep gray skies around me. I have far too much life to live. I have dreams. Sometimes it is hard to think the dreams will become reality but I do hope and pray. I think being decisive without regret will help me get to my dreams. Another lesson learned over the holidays is that things often do not go as planned and that’s ok! In fact, if you’re open to it, unexpected happenstance often may create some of life’s best blessings. This year, I reached out to everyone, I planned the meals, I wrapped the gifts, I shared time with family and friends. I did everything I could to make things good for everyone. We shall see how life evolves in 2024. So much remains to be discovered and experienced. I hope you find some joy in this new year!!