Exhaustion is real. It is within all of us at times. How do we get ourselves out of it? You’ve got me. I haven’t a clue. I do know that there are times when I simply wish to throw my hands in the air and say to hell with it. Let the chips fall where they may. I have always thought of myself as a caring, genuine, generous person. Yet, the last few years have challenged my view of who I am. I honestly am not sure I really know anymore. My voice was silenced for so many years that now, my voice feels selfish. I hear strangers say that I should stay in my lane, or that others should stay away from me. For what reason you might ask? Well, because I stopped being quiet. I stopped allowing others gaslight people into thinking they are the problem. Do not get me wrong. My feelings are hurt easily and I am extremely sensitive. I’ve watched my world become smaller. For, it is in the toughest moments that you realize who is going to stay by your side. That list is small. Most do not want to deal with it. The tears, frustration, perseverance. Most people want you to get over it and move on. Just be positive. Forgive and forget. Pretend like all of those bad things did not occur. Nope. I cannot do that. Do any of you have the struggle of feeling like my version of bad things is literally nothing compared to other people? I know this to be true. I clearly have a dang good life. I am lucky in comparison. Yet, I cannot help but feel like things are off at times. It really must just be me. I feel like I’m living in this fantasy world that’s all my own. I seem to be the only one that thinks the way I do. I seem to be the only one who believes that boundaries in relationships are crucial. I guess I took for granted at 19 years old that loyalty and fidelity had very clear meaning. It seemed obvious to me at that age what is appropriate and not appropriate in relationships. Let me give you a scenario. Man and woman are a couple, whether married or committed…..either way, a couple. Is it an acceptable practice for the man to go out for a hike or drinks with other women who are co-workers or friends? Is it acceptable for the woman to give other male co-workers or friends a ride to their hotels or to grab coffee together? I would say no. Some would say I’m antiquated and unreasonable. I simply hold a respect for my relationship that does not allow for even the appearance of inpropriety. You see, in my view, optics are everything. I get that my viewpoint may be and likely is skewed as a result of my former marriage. Yes, I was married to a man that kissed a coworker in our very first year of marriage. I was married to a man who invited a female coworker to attend a dress rehearsal performance of his. I was married to a man who invited a female coworker to walk around a park with his kids and hers. I was married to a man who had sex with women who were not his wife. Yes, I believe every single one of those situations to be unacceptable. We all have the capacity to be vulnerable in situations with others, especially when attracted to others, but even when not. You see, none of us knows how the other actually feels, until they decide to share it. So, when you believe it to be an innocent cup of coffee at work, the other person may view as an open door to more. It’s all about optics. Hence, boundaries must exist to preserve the sanctity of a relationship……unless, your relationship simply doesn’t matter that much to you. I told my now adult children about my philosophy of relationships. I believe you should never put yourself in a situation where the potential exists for a line to be crossed. That means, one-on-one interactions should be minimal. I wish I could say that professional relationships were different. However, I’ve been proven wrong time and time again over the last 27 years. It’s sad, I know. You know what’s worse? The fact that my faith in human decency was stolen on numerous occasions. I now feel like I fight a battle for my boys to learn how to be good men who respect the sanctity of relationships and commitment. Unfortunately, it feels like I am fighting against a legion of people who defend those who egage in infidelity and seek to normalize it. I’m not even just talking about infidelity, but also inappropriate engagement. So, I feel like I’m living in this crazy silo of my own thoughts. It is like living in an alternate universe. I’m always questioning whether I am the one with the absolutely unreasonable thoughts and beliefs. Here’s the thing……at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I pray, pray, pray that my boys learn from me. I pray they find women who they hold in the absolute highest regard. I pray that everything they do keeps her in mind because she means that much to them. I also pray that everything she does, keeps him in mind because he means that much to her. It goes both ways. I never imagined I would be a 49 year old divorced woman with two adult children in their early twenties, who now have a 9 month old sister from another woman. Never. Never. Yet, here I am. I had no choice but to start over……with everything. It is scary, yet sometime freeing. I hope to marry again someday. And I hope that my next and last marriage is the ultimate beauty of faith, love, happiness and forever. I hope to show my boys what a healthy relationship looks like. Being yelled at, degraded, physically harmed is not the picture of healthy. The inability to have an adult conversation and work through conflict is not the picture of healthy. Two adults who love each other ought to be able to disagree, talk through conflict and come out stronger for it. It is in those moments that you learn the depths of someone. Vulnerabilities and insecurities are held, and protected by the one who loves you. That is the definition of extraordinary love. It is not constant fireworks, though that can be welcome. It is not a relationship without conflict. It is a relationship that has true, deep love with no boundaries. Boundaries are only for those outside of the relationship. That’s my opinion. So, here I am trying to teach my boys what I believe. I could be completely wrong and delusional…….but, I don’t think I am.