At what point in life do we decide to move on? Move on from that which was our past. We go through life making a series of decisions. With every decision comes a consequence. Some are positive consequences and some are negative. Either way, we made the choices. Somehow, there are people who believe that consequences don’t apply to them.…..that they should be shielded from any perceived negative effects. For a variety of reasons, these people seem to justify their privilege of not having to sit with the ramifications of their decisions. When did our world get to the place where grown adults, literally those who have been on the earth for over fifty years, believe that actions are without consequences? How did our society get to the point that it becomes acceptable to blame others for our own choices and the residual fallout? It’s sad. The result is that everyone else becomes collateral damage in a dangerous game of manipulation. There are seasons in our life where God provides moments of truth……tests if you will. This I believe. I do think God has a plan, and He is already in the know for every action and reaction. Yet, He allows us to figure it out for ourselves. He gives us all of the information we need and waits for us to figure things out for ourselves sometimes. As I approach my 49th birthday, I sometimes wonder if God is testing me again. You see, I have been tested many, many times over the years. I did not always know I was being tested, but I am able to see it now. Here’s the thing……if we are to believe in redemption and always finding the best in people, then how are we also to question those who treat us poorly and who then within a day or two perform an about face?! That’s really the question. Are we not to hold people accountable because we believe in the best in people? This all brings me back to where I started today. Every decision has a consequence. Sometimes, we must live with those consequences, even when they don’t feel good. We cannot expect everyone around us to act as though we did nothing. To do so is to be disingenuous. I am not about that! I thought divorce was the biggest challenge of my adult life. I was wrong. Divorce allowed me to find myself again. It provided me with a welcome change in what was an unhappy existence. Moreover, it provided me with the strength to hold very firm boundaries. Some might say that I am unwilling to forgive. I see it as unwilling to be someone’s punching bag. Forgiveness is pretty easy for me. It’s in my nature to see past people’s transgressions. Yet, forgetting and allowing access to my life is a whole different ballgame. You see, access to me must be earned. Loyalty, honesty, transparency, and most of all, vulnerability to know our weaknesses and insecurities is paramount when accessing my world. I would expect you to hold me to the same standard. Most who know me, truly know me, know that I am an open book. That’s good, and also challenging. I’m not easy. I’m real. Someone who thinks a 15 sentence email eradicates a year’s worth of degradation is not real……at least not in my book. Holding a grudge? Some might think so. I don’t see it that way. I see it as protection of what’s sacred. My heart, my integrity, my character. Those are paramount to me. They are the center of what makes me Colene. I hear so often divorced people hiding behind their children when making choices to behave poorly. Little James is the most important thing. Yet, Little James is 18 or 21 years old. Little James is not so little. I’m sorry, but our adult children did not sign up to be our shields in a battle they did not choose. And frankly, shame on any parent who uses their child as a “reason” to behave one way or another. The battle so to speak is not about our kids. It’s about two adults who are seemingly incapable of holding a boundary between themselves, and simply letting go. It’s ok for your ADULT child to have independent relationships with their parents. Do I love that for my own kids? Of course not. I wish it was different. Yet, I………I made the choice to divorce…..well both parents made the choice. BECAUSE of that choice, I now have to live with my adult children having their own conversations with each parent. And I don’t get to know what they talk to their other parent about. We are not a family anymore. It’s sad. I’ve mourned it. I’ve also moved on. There’s no such thing as a “blended family” with ex-spouses. The blended family comes in with your NEW partner and their families. Yes…..that means your kids now have two “blended” families. If you did not want to cease communication with your ex-spouse, then why the heck did you get divorced to being with? The only reason I am able to come up with is that you want control. You thrive on control. You don’t know how to live without control. Well, surprise, control is no longer yours. You don’t get to pretend with others that you are kind, gentle and welcoming, and then with your next breath berate your former spouse and their new partner. No. Control doesn’t belong to you. I’m a kind person. I’m generally a peacemaker……that’s the Libra in me. I really do get along with most people most of the time. Yet, on this 49th birthday, I am here to say that I’m done being controlled and treated poorly. Been there, done that. And I’m pretty sure most, if they truly knew ALL of the information, would agree with me……even our adult children. Time to move on. As so many of you know, I am an open book. I think about what I write each and every time I write. I like to have a purpose……a reason to say the words. I think my purpose today is to encourage everyone to stand up for that which they believe. Dig deep and move on.