Wow. It has been quite a while since I last posted. I don’t know about any of you, but life seems to be on overdrive. Sometimes I feel as though I’m a broken record. My parents ask what’s going on and I say, just work and school. It feels like that’s all life is about these days. Yet, I have been lucky enough to get away for several weekends this Fall. Getting away is maybe a stretch since I was doing work for my job while traveling, defeating the purpose of taking a day off honestly. I also find that I must do school work every single day, even while on a so called vacation. As those words came out of my mouth, I realized how spoiled I sound. I’m just saying……my 49th birthday is a few weeks away and I wonder at what point a person just gets to come home from work and chill out. I guess one could argue that I want to do school, otherwise why did I choose grad school at this juncture. Well, life has a funny way of turning in directions you never saw coming. Decisions get made in a split second, or so it feels. I am torn between feeling like I’ve let down the world and feeling like I’m letting down myself. Which is more important? I spoke with an amazing young man yesterday who bears the weight of the world on his shoulders at eighteen years old. He feels the burden of making sure everyone in his circle is taken care of, at the expense of himself. On the one hand, how amazing is this young man to feel such love for his circle that he would sacrifice for them. On the other hand, when does he get to think about himself and put himself first? Isn’t this the time for him to learn who he is and what matters most? I mean, he is learning that to some degree, hence his desire to take care of his circle of people. He’s learning that those closest to him are his rock. He values his closest relationships beyond anything out there. He also has experienced things in life some of us may never experience. He has grown up quickly and is wise beyond his years. I admire his courage and tenacity to hold tight to what he values most. We had an amazing talk about God and the plans He has for all of us. We talked about the execution of said plans and how we may be painfully accepting of the path we must travel, while keeping faith in the final result. Eighteen. This is a discussion I’m having with an eighteen year old. What?! It’s incredible. So back to which is more important……to feel like we let the world down, or ourselves? The easy response is to not let either down. We should reframe our thought to realize our role is not to make everyone feel better. We only have control over ourselves…..our reactions. We choose whether to love, to fight, to give up. We choose whether to let something consume our thoughts, or let others make us believe we are not good enough. We have the choice for ourselves. So easy to say, yet so hard to do. I am in a season of what feels like extreme selfishness. I am trying to put myself first, yet I am also embarking in a profession where my living is helping others. Heck, I’ve been in a helping profession for many years. I also simply have the personality that makes me want to make things easier for everyone else, even if it’s harder for myself. I know I’m strong and can handle it. I have to. I refuse to give up on anything, and sometimes that’s exactly what I need to do. My brain knows this, but my heart can’t imagine it. So, the philosophical question remains. Is it better to let ourselves down or the rest of the world? I honestly do not know if there’s a proper answer. What I do know is that my faith gets me through and keeps me afloat.