Take a solo vacation, they say. It’ll be so much fun, they say. It’s the best experience ever, they say. Hmm…..I’m in day four and I am not yet a believer. Maybe it’s the circumstance in which I took this solo vacay. Or the location. Or it’s just me. I’m going to go with it being just me. I clearly am a woman with so many flaws. People seem to love pointing out every single flaw I possess. Some might say a solo vacation is envious because you can do anything you want at any point in time. I guess that’s true. There’s no one by whom decisions need to be run. You want to sleep until 10:00? Great, sleep until 10. You want to sit by the pool for four hours? Great, sit by the pool. Yet, there’s a loneliness in doing every moment of every day by yourself. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, being on a solo trip. Does loneliness set in because I’m a social person? Maybe. But, I am fine being alone at my house. I guess it’s just usually only a day here and a day there that I’m alone. And, of course, there’s work for the whole day which is not being alone for sure. So, it’s only the nights that are alone. Then, there’s the added piece that you have friends who are where you live, so there’s always a chance to be with someone. On vacation, both work and friends are absent, so if you’re not traveling with someone, you are truly alone. It’s such a double edge sword. On the one hand, there’s a lot of time to think and evaluate your life. On the other hand, there’s boredom. And I have tons to do. I brought my grad school work with me, and I brought pleasure reading and music and movies. Yet, here I am, decidedly unimpressed with the solo vacation. I must say though, I am noticing who shows up in my life due to this circumstance. I joke that I could be dead in my house for a week before anyone would notice…..especially now that I’m on summer break from work. Heck, maybe it would be more than a week. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen. But this vacation is kind of like that. I guess that’s what I mean by saying I notice who shows up. A couple of people check in. I’m lucky in that way. This vacation has given me time to think about what it is I want in my life. After all, this is my second chapter, right? When I became divorced, I learned quite a bit about myself. I want a partner. I don’t NEED a partner. I WANT a partner….someone to do life with. Someone who will stay up until 2am with me when my kid is out late. Someone who will wake up wondering if I’m ok if I’m not with them. Someone who thinks about me above anyone else. I am self-sufficient. I have traveled to 24 countries and lived in three. I know how to get around. Yet, I want a true partner. Someone who wants to share everything. Does that mean we must be glued at the hip? Of course not. But, it does mean that we prioritize the bigger things in our lives to include our partner. I’m not a woman who is ok with a part-time relationship. I want full-time. I don’t do part-time anything well. I wasn’t a part-time parent. I’ve met several of those. They pretend to be all in when it’s convenient for them, or looks good for them. When it’s inconvenient, they disappear. These part-time parents then pretend as if they have no idea why their kids aren’t close to them as they get older. Hmmmm…..could it have something to do with the fact that you were not present?! That’s not me. I show up. I am there for people who aren’t even my children. That’s why I’m in education. I show up for my students. I show up for kids who need an adult to count on. If you’re in my life and you have kids, I will treat them as my own. I am not the kind of woman who would say, oh those aren’t my kids so I’m not investing my time. Nope. I don’t understand those people. So yes, here I am contemplating the meaning of my life. Maybe I’m delusional to think people should value a woman who wants to be all in. I have a hard time understanding anything different. What I do know is that I am an extremely sensitive soul who cries often and whose feelings are hurt pretty easily. Seems crazy, because I’m also a pretty tough cookie who can take a lot. I know, it’s as if I’m speaking two different narratives. I am a praying woman. I pray every single day. I beg, literally BEG God to help me. I’m not sure the good Lord is listening to me. At some point, things should fall into place, right?! I sometimes wonder how long that takes. Then, I think about all of the things happening around the world. Man, so much hasn’t fallen into place for so many people, so why should I think I am any more deserving that any of the millions around the world who are truly, truly suffering. I should be grateful. I have a great job, well……it’s going to be great….more about that in another blog. I have amazing kids who impress me with their determination and growth. They are good men who are persevering and thriving, despite the poor hand they were dealt with parents. I don’t try to overly protect them from the harsh truth of life, and I think that’s good. They know resilience and they don’t crumble when things get hard. They’ve learned. I like to think that I helped them with being strong. It’s ok for my boys to feel disappointment with one parent when that parent isn’t doing something right. It’s ok for my kids to know that what’s important to me should be prioritized, even if they aren’t sure they agree. My job is to model what is valued in life….not hide and pretend. Modeling also means that sometimes there’s conflict. and that’s ok. Confllct allows my boys to learn what’s actually important. I’m just rambling now. Let’s just say that I’ve showed my boys that I am capable. I am self-sufficient. I will survive. Yes, I’ve cried on this solo trip. I’m lonely at times. I’m also ok at times. I smile at times. I’m capable. Solo trips are for the birds…..or maybe just for women who aren’t me.