Perspective is everything. I tell my students this all the time. We all may view the same situation differently and believe wholeheartedly that our version is the true version. Today, I lived defeat. At least, that is my perception. Others don’t view it in the same way. I actually almost hate to even say those words. I’m a strong person….defeat isn’t generally in my DNA. It is not in my nature to give up on anything. It’s not who I am. To a fault, I give everything I have, every ounce of my being to everyone and every situation in my life. I despise accepting defeat. I’ve prayed so many times……so, so many times…..for God to bring me peace; my victory, if you will. Don’t we all deserve that? Sometimes, I truly question whether God is listening. You know the kicker? Happiness is within grasp. It’s simply being hijacked by a narcissist……who is really good at what they do….so much so, they are willing to sacrifice their own child simply to destroy others. By the way, God is not in charge of the narcissists……that’s the enemy. God has already provided us the tools to combat the narcissist. We simply have to use them. I deserve to be chosen.

Narcissists are people whose only mission is to decimate all good things for everyone else. As long as they are in control and get what it is they want, they have no problem destroying others along the way. Those people are cruel. They are the definition of a narcissist. Why does God allow such cruelty to exist? It’s a question that’s tough to answer. You see, there are those who say that they will simply pray to God and God will tell us the right thing to do. Yet, we are faced with school shootings, and poverty, and so many more horrific things in this world, and God isn’t simply telling everyone to do the right thing. There is such thing as free will. God gives us the tools. That I believe. It is up to us to use those tools for good. It is up to us to see when others are behaving “unGodly” and choosing to use tools for evil. Why do we hide behind fear? Fear of disappointment, fear of hurt. We think hurting someone else, or their reaction being that of hurt, is something we must avoid. I strongly believe in being honest. I never hide behind that which is difficult. Narcissists make us question our true thoughts and beliefs. They thrive on mind control. They manipulate. Wow, do they manipulate. They isolate their victim, attack them, and then change the narrative to the rest of the world to convince them that the other person was in the wrong. They text all sweet and apologetic within hours or days, so their next victim, the one they really hope to control, will think they have changed their ways. That’s not how it works. I was married to one. The way it stopped was by ceasing all communication. The only communication that occurred from that day forward was limited to email. It was the absolute BEST decision I ever made. AND, it shut the behavior down.

So many of us fight these internal battles. Indecision. Uncertainty. Fear. Anxiety. We wonder what we’ve done that we still need to pay for. I certainly think that. Today confirms that thought for me. What on earth have I done to be where I am tonight? Honestly! It takes so much within me to fight the urge to throw in the towel and give up. I’m overwhelmed….so, so overwhelmed. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. I’m struggling. Yet, aren’t we all? We all have things. We all have challenges. I try to keep optimism within, but it’s a struggle. I’ve always been a believer in boundaries. We have to hold them. We have to know our limits and also know our values and beliefs. We have to believe that boundaries are healthy and provide growth and strength. You know, as parents, we are so worried about holding hard lines with our kids. My many years in education would tell me that kids thrive with structure, rules and yes, boundaries. They need to know the limits, and also know they are loved despite those limits. Those who have chosen to walk away from our lives are also held to certain boundaries. They have to be. They chose to give away their access to the most intimate parts of us; to the important events in our lives. Should we choose to invite them in, great. But until then, access must be limited. Our kids deserve to see what it looks like to respect those we love. What it’s like to respect those who hold the highest value in our lives. Our kids deserve to see love……true love. True love with it’s messy, and boundary holding beliefs. The sad part is that really, really great people are torn apart by narcissistic ones. It’s so heartbreaking.

Is it wrong for our kids to know the truth? To know that life isn’t the picture of perfection we show them? I don’t think so. When a mom chooses to hunt down another woman to aggressively confront her, why do we excuse that and pretend with the child that the mom is something she’s not? That the divorced family is a “FAMILY?” I will never understand excusing despicable behavior. It’s not ok. It’s not teaching our kids what’s right. We all have one life to live. Why the heck would we choose to live it only to make others happy at the expense of our own happiness? It feels selfish to say those words. But, honestly, I’m slowly learning that my happiness matters. My kids understand that…..at least I think they do. Their happiness matters too, but I don’t control their happiness. Holding boundaries doesn’t detract from their happiness. It shows them what values are and why they matter. I believe that to be my most important role as a parent……to teach my kids what values stand for. Maybe I really am someone who expects too much; who wants too much in life. Afterall, my ex-husband absolutely loved to say that I always wanted more and was never satisfied. Maybe that’s true. Maybe I do want and want and want. I see those who have genuine love and happiness. They experience challenges and defeat, yet continue to rise and gain strength. They love, beyond measure and limitations. They don’t allow anyone to dictate who they can and can’t have in their lives. They teach their children what’s right. They risk temporary disappointment and anger for what’s right. Maybe that’s just not in the cards for everyone. At the end of the day, to be loved, truly loved, is the most important thing to me. True love means being genuine and honest and holding boundaries to protect the ones you love.

So many high school graduations have occurred this week. It may be what has prompted my writing tonight. I see these huge life changes occurring. We shouldn’t have to experience big moments alone……without those closest to us. Even if our kids aren’t sure about who should be present, we are the adults with experience who know what’s most important in life. Eighteen year olds aren’t quite yet equipped to understand complex emotion. When adults choose to threaten their love for petty insecurity, we’ve failed our children. When we choose to accommodate that same parent and excuse their abhorrent behavior, we’ve failed our children. I see the ripple effect of this exact scenario daily in my profession. It’s sad. I wish parents would wake up and stop acting like they have to make the world perfect for their children. We are raising a generation incapable of working through disappointment and hurt because we shield them from literally everything. I’m not a fan. God wasn’t a fan. Jesus held his values and beliefs regardless of those who judged him. He didn’t try to appease the world. He held true his values and beliefs. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s good to hold those same values and beliefs.