Whew…..isn’t this the golden question? What defines a mother? It seems so, so simple. You give birth, or adopt, you become a mother. Right? Yet, isn’t there so much more? It’s so crazy because divorce really does change perspective on so, so many things. I sometimes wonder if divorce at a young age would influence this perspective……and I believe the answer to be a resounding yes. At the risk of sounding like my parents, age really does make a difference. The way we view life is so incredibly different when we are older versus when we are younger. Perhaps it’s the naivety at 27 years old that makes us feel like there’s no mountain we can’t climb. Or the lack of life experience…….and that’s so broad in itself. It could encompass a lack of experiencing loss and disappointment, cruelty, dishonesty, but also triumph and sheer joy. Let’s be honest, who really knows?! What I know is that the older I get, the more I believe that experience greatly influences perspective. What I believed to be a mother at 27 is vastly different than what I believe that to be now. A mother, a parent really, is someone who shows up. Someone who is honest, brutally honest, yet holds your tears, fears, brokenness so close that they still show you your value in spite of being let down by others. Sometimes we are faced with a very, very adult bomb in finding out that a parent whom we thought to have our best interest at heart really doesn’t. The 18-year old brain can’t possibly fully understand how or why a parent would put conditions on their love…..their presence. It happens. Oh, wow, it happens. I see it every single day at school. There are fifty-year old adults who use emotional warfare to hold hostage our children’s love……to demand it. Most of us rational, centered adults know that this type of warfare always, always backfires. Might take years to see it, but it only hurts the parent who engages in that infantile behavior. Well, actually it affects the “child” as well. When we are talking about an eighteen or twenty-year-old child, we are targeting the undeveloped part of their brain that seeks parental approval. That part of the brain rarely disappears. We do however get older and realize that what our parent tried to do to us wasn’t right. At that time, the parent didn’t care who they took down in the process. They just had to get the child to choose them. That’s it. Simple. That’s not a Mom. That’s not a parent. Being a parent means disappointing your child with the truth and teaching them what’s right. It’s loving them when they screw up or become angry with us in the moment. It’s showing our children that discomfort and conflict is a golden opportunity for growth and demands growth. In fact, discomfort and conflict are proof of growth, because you are no longer being complacent. You are seeking change. Change is scary. It’s unknown. But it’s also exhilarating and wholly satisfying. Our job is not to make our kids like us. It’s for us to make sure our kids trust that we will always be honest and real with them. We will admit when we make mistakes or don’t live up to the picture of perfection they place in their minds. It’s showing them that, in spite of anything difficult, uncomfortable, or just different, we love them unconditionally. Sometimes it takes months, maybe even years for our kids to see that we are there no matter what. But, for those who are genuine, our kids ALWAYS see it. On this Mother’s Day coming up, let’s remember what our role is for our children. It’s to love them unconditionally. It’s to be honest through difficult moments. It’s to help them grow and become successful adults who know how to revel in joyful moments and persevere through difficult ones. Being a parent isn’t for the faint of heart. You must be willing to be vulnerable, loving, selfish and selfless all at the same time. Hats off to all of you who made the choice to become parents. Big props to those who live out what it actually means to parent a child, regardless of their age.