Have you ever felt as though you live life on the fringe? You’re always on the sidelines watching life go by, or peering through the window of your hopes and dreams? Well, that is me…….most of the time. I always feel on the fringe. It’s crazy, because I’ve also always thought of myself as a very strong, independent woman who is secure in herself. Is feeling on the fringe a sign of insecurity? Well, maybe. Being in grad school, at least in the program in which I’m enrolled, students are constantly tasked with evaluating their own beliefs, values, morals, insecurities, deficiencies, strengths, love languages. You name it; we explore it. More than just explore, we are asked to dig deep within ourselves to those feelings of discomfort. So here I am, always writing about every thought that consumes me. They are my thoughts…..no one else’s. What does it mean to be on the fringe? I think that’s been my entire life. There’s being the middle child…..naturally you’re on the fringe. You’re not the kid who paved the way for everyone, and you’re not the one who is the baby and most delicate of the family. You’re the one expected to just ride the waves of neutrality. And that I did. Always walked the line. Rules follower. Peacemaker. The one who gets along with everyone. The fringe is what growing up in the military felt like to me…..always the new kid and feeling like you’re having to find a way to insert yourself into long lasting existing friendships. Once you finally felt like you were accepted, you moved……so back to the fringe you go. Fast forward to adult life. Due to choices made throughout the last 26 years, so many moves as an adult continued the fringe lifestyle. Always the new one at a job, or the new mom bringing the kids to school. The new kid at 40 years old. Finally settling in Denver, there’s still an underlying current of feeling as though I’m an imposter…..a stranger in a group of those who are close to me. I finally have lived somewhere a long time. 8 years. Yep, that’s a long time in my world. It’s the longest I’ve lived in one state or country. Just when I was starting to feel like I was entering the inner circle of life, the rug of life was pulled out from under my feet. Divorce changed everything. Back to the fringe I go. This time, it’s the fringe with familiarity. It’s the same encounters but feeling on the outside again. It’s as if the scarlet letter of divorce becomes a barrier to being one of the group. One of the regulars. I see this with everyone I encounter who has experienced a big life change. What was once feeling comfortable and seemingly your defined identity now becomes a strange existence where discomfort lives comfortably. Friendships change…….relationships change. Even those relationships with your own children and immediate family change. You’re not viewed the same way, and frankly never will be. You don’t even view yourself the same. So when you now try to form a new forever relationship with a life partner, you will feel on the fringe again. Penetrating their world feels insurmountable….near impossible. How could you ever be viewed as part of the inner circle for them? It takes a tremendous faith and trust in God’s provision to go all in…..give everything…..throw caution to the wind and put it all out there…..give it everything you’ve got for the beauty of the extraordinary. If we don’t, back to the fringe we go. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live that way. I spent too many years living like an outsider, but acting like an inner circle member. I have to give it to my beautifully gracious friends and family near and far who have always tried to make me feel like I’m their people. Thank God for them! Now, I just need to believe it for myself. It’s a weird thing when you live alone. No kids, no animals, nothing breathing at your house besides yourself. While there’s a great strength within knowing I’m ok alone and I’m comfortable with myself, there’s also this enormous emptiness in a life not meant to be lived in a solitary existence. I’ve never believed that humans are meant to be alone. So the fringe feels unnatural. It’s like being a lone wolf in a pack of lions. I’m working to believe that I’m worth more than the fringe……with work, with friends, with family, with relationships. What I’ve realized, is that to move past the fringe, everyone must be willing to put forth effort. Checking in with each other to just say hello, but also going deeper to surpass surface level conversation. Making time…..oof…..this is a hard one….making time to really explore the depths of someone’s heart. Time is often a gift with an expiration date, yet we aren’t always made aware of that date. So, make the most of the time you have, while planning for future time. If the future never comes, at least you know you were all in and not on the fringe.