You know, the holidays highlight so many things about life. It’s the most wonderful time of the year…….or so they say. Sometimes we don’t hear that it can also be the most stressful time of the year. Emotions are at an all-time high, wanting everything to be “perfect” for all those around us. We’ve gone through the entire year budgeting our finances, say we will shop for the holidays as the year goes on, but then wait until the last moment and break the bank to give to our families and friends. Add the dynamic of a split family, a new relationship, or being away from your family during the holidays. Then we work extra hard to make these holidays special. We take time off, plan activities, and invite family and friends to visit. We want the time off and the money spent to count for something. It’s got to be great or it wasn’t worth it. Isn’t that the sentiment so many of us possess over the holidays? I’ve seen it with so many people this holiday season. Everything must go above and beyond. I’m guilty of it for sure….I feel this need to overcompensate for what I must subconsciously believe is needed for every single human and dog near me. Anyone else??? No? Just me? Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves over the holidays? If you have followed me, you know my family is “split.” By the way, I am not in love with the term “split family.” I prefer something else……not sure what that is, but not split. Maybe the term is “altered family.” Nonetheless, I don’t know if this is true for everyone, but when the kids are not with both parents at the same time on the actual holiday, there seems to be this pressure to make sure the holidays are extra great. It’s as if we somehow need to make up for the fact that we broke the marriage and forced the kids to be in separate homes for the holidays. We make up for what the other parent doesn’t do, or what we think they don’t do……and that’s if the former “couple” doesn’t speak or share gifts and traditions with the kids. So……that’s the case for me. I plan, I save, and I try really hard to make the holidays special for my boys and anyone else in my life. I am a giver by nature and want to give small (or big) gifts to those who mean something to me. I want to brighten their day and hopefully fill their lives in some small way. With my kids, I want to give them everything…..everything I possibly can. I absolutely try to make up for what they don’t get from their father. And yet, I know deep down, there’s nothing I can give or do that will make up for what they don’t receive from their father. For what is most important in life isn’t “stuff” but rather time, attention, and love. It’s so hard to let go and let our children, even the grown ones, figure out their own relationship with each parent, independent of whatever occurred between the parents. As much as I’ve tried over the years, I know that I can’t fix what the other parent broke years ago. That foundation was cracked from the start……and it breaks my heart. So, this time, I try to think about the example a new man would set for my grown sons. Someone to show them what being selfless, loving, and giving looks like. Some might say that’s an awful lot of pressure for the man I am dating…..and yes I do recognize that is a bit of pressure, and for that I’m sorry…..but isn’t that what dating is all about?! You may recall I’m a dreamer at heart. Isn’t it extraordinary to find someone whose pieces fit like a perfect puzzle with yours? Someone who becomes a true partner? Someone who listens and disagrees kindly, resolves with you kindly, and sticks with you no matter what, even when you overthink, overanalyze, and over plan? Is that the true gift I can give to my boys? To see what a loving, healthy relationship should look like? After all, they definitely didn’t see that throughout their childhood. They saw a parent who prioritized work and other people over family, who yelled anytime something didn’t go their way, who engaged in physical altercations because a statement they didn’t want to hear was made, who made disparaging comments, and name-calling from dad to mom, almost as if this was “normal” behavior. It’s not at all what I want my boys to believe a relationship should be. During the holidays, especially, tensions always seemed to be at an all-time high. In some ways, tensions still exist, though now it’s due to this underlying current of what went wrong years ago. My sweet cousin and I talked about this very thing today and how we all (who come from altered families…..and maybe those who have experienced any kind of loss whether chosen for or by them) feel this undercurrent of sadness or a feeling of failure within. I worry that maybe I’m too late……too late to show my boys what healthy looks like. The most important gift I may provide is the gift of showing the boys healthy, loving, and happy relationships. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still stuff stockings to overflowing, try to help furnish their first grown-up homes, and share the traditions that were part of my family when I was a kid. I have no idea if my kids have a concept of how much I put into trying to make the holidays special. They are young men in their twenties…..not sure they care as much as I do! That’s just it too…..special is different for everyone. I think I’ve said this a ton, but the most valuable gift to me is time and attention. Love is shown to me through the effort of giving me time. I had an epiphany last night. Don’t laugh, because I’m sure many of you already had this same epiphany, though it took me years and years to get it. I treat others and give to others what I hope to be given to me. The affection, the attention, the time……it’s all that I crave from others. Gifts? Well, they are nice, especially when thoughtfully given….but time……well, that’s the greatest gift of all. I need sleep. I stress about money. I stress about grad school. I stress about work. Grad school and work take up an enormous amount of my time. I overthink…..oh boy do I overthink. Really, I overthink to a fault. I’m so sorry to those closest to me who bear the brunt of my overactive brain. I will always make the time to spend with those I love to cultivate a true, lasting, loving relationship. I hope my boys see that in me. In my view, that undercurrent in which we see failures within ourselves, isn’t really a failure at all…..it just contributes to us being a work in progress!;) So, I hope as they find partners with whom to share their lives, my sweet boys…. young men….remember that time, understanding, passion, patience, love, and kindness make all the difference.