Wow…….just writing the title makes me cringe a little bit. If you know me, you know I like to be in control of just about everything in my life. I live in fear of the future, yet I’m also always looking towards the future. I dream of this life where I’m with someone who sees me in their future. Admittedly, sometimes I have a hard time living for just today. I guess I’m always hoping that what I’m doing today will create an incredible beauty for tomorrow. I worry about whether the decisions I make today are going to feel like the right ones a year from now. I mean, anyone who knows my past should know why I question the future daily. I was never a person who worried about the future. In fact, I was always dreaming of the future. To some extent, I’m still that girl……yet, it’s a bit of a mask from what I really feel. Let me recap……I lived for 13 years with someone who decided I would always be the fall back, the maybe in his life. He dated other women, while we were married, had sex with them, met their kids, had relationships……all the while I never knew it was occurring. Should I have known? Probably. Of course I should have known. I was too busy dreaming about the future, trusting and not focusing on what was right in front of me. Does that excuse what he did? Of course not……but I played a role too. The fact that my ex-husband built a relationship based on friendship with work colleagues, and then crossed the line into intimacy should be enough for me to fear the future. But, I’m still a dreamer. I still believe in hope and extraordinary love, albeit I’m maybe a little more damaged than I was 20 years ago. How soon is too soon? How soon is too soon to commit to exploring a life with someone? I definitely don’t know that answer, and I’m reminded daily that my version of too soon is apparently so incredibly different than others. I believe in fidelity and honestly giving it all you’ve got. I believe that when uncertainty enters your mind, you sit in the discomfort and see how you work through it without simply changing course. Where does the line get drawn? Is it when you are talking to multiple people at once? Is it when you decide to window shop for a better match? Is it when companionship, or friendship, turns into a feeling like you want to kiss a different person? I don’t know the answer for everyone. I know for me, it’s when I feel something that pulls me to a person that makes me want to focus on them and only them. For I see that there’s no way to truly develop a deep connection with someone if you’re also exploring a deep connection with someone else. Is it possible we might match with multiple people? Well, sure, of course it’s possible. But will it be extraordinary love? To me, not possible if you’re splitting your emotions with more than one person. There will always be a limit to your ability to experience the extraordinary, which by the way, to me means you feel this incredible discomfort with feelings you’ve never experienced but know deep down that it’s something about which you don’t want to live without. I am not going to be someone’s back up or second choice. I deserve so much better than that. And frankly, if my marriage proved anything, it’s that I don’t give up on people. I don’t window shop. I don’t look for greener grass. I try so hard to water the grass that’s right in front of me. But I can’t water one seed……I have to water all of the seeds. If you give me one seed at a time, you aren’t investing in a potential future. It’s scary, I know. I wonder all the time how I’m such a dreamer about the future, while being scared to death at the same time. I guess because there’s a piece of me that still believes the extraordinary is possible. Yet, I’m not naive to believe that the extraordinary is easy…….I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now. True, everlasting love takes effort, commitment, and more than anything……trust. It’s trusting in a future about which one can almost never be certain. It’s putting faith and fidelity above all. It’s trusting in the decision you make today and not questioning it an hour later. It’s making a choice every single day to invest in someone. It’s believing, and I mean truly believing, that you’re meant for something extraordinary. So, I end as I start. I’m someone who wants to be in control of everything in my life. The future is terrifying. I’m slowly, yes very slowly, learning that I can’t be in control. I have to trust in what’s right before me. I have to believe I’m meant for something amazing……extraordinary. More than that, I have to believe that others believe the same thing. Fear of the future is ever present, but does it define me? Absolutely not!