Wouldn’t life be easier if we acknowledged our limitations and set boundaries? I don’t know about you, but I am always trying to grow and learn. I typically want to help everyone and anyone, in particular those closest to me. Sometimes it’s at the expense of myself. Let’s be honest….I likely have trouble with boundaries. If you’re my person, I am all-in. If you’re my friend, I’m all-in. I don’t know how to do anything halfway. It’s simply not in my DNA. I’m learning, and sometimes the learning is sad. I’ve had people leave my life because of a boundary I’ve set. It’s essential to know our own limitations and boundaries. Don’t be fooled though…..it’s hard to hold boundaries, especially with those closest to you. I’ve encountered such situations over the last few years. It’s amazing how when life gets hard, you see who is there for you and walking the road of life with you with ups and downs, and who walks away from you when your boundary or limitation doesn’t align with what they want. I’ll be the first one to admit that sometimes I adjust my boundary when it seems like it doesn’t match what someone else wants. Sometimes I change it for a long time too. It’s absolutely at the expense of my own happiness and comfort level. One could argue that life is about compromise, so moving boundaries is pretty normal. I think yes, that’s true to some degree. If core values aren’t risked, and your morals stay intact, then by all means, shift those boundaries as needed. If you’re realizing that shifting boundaries is contributing to getting lost from who you are, then that should be a red flag. Additionally, boundaries flex at different times in our life, indicating that as we grow, we might move beyond the boundary we initially set. In life, there are those in our innermost circle who are the ones we rely on to love us through the good, bad, hard, easy, loving, hurting moments. Truly, it’s in those moments we realize just who those people are that we welcome into our inner circle. Does that circle change over the years? Probably…..Take an example from after my divorce. I connected with a friend from many, many years ago who was going through something similar. No two divorces are alike. I say that mine could be the story in a lifetime movie, and I still stand by that description. Others have had very cordial divorces and remain friends. There’s an element of divorce that forces natural boundaries. It took me getting divorced to finally create very firm boundaries for myself, and to learn some of my limitations. I was berated many, many times during my marriage. My ex-spouse thought it to be a normal part of life to behave in a derogatory manner towards me, and I rarely created a boundary with that treatment. Once the divorce process began, I learned very quickly that I was worth so much more. I chose to stop answering the phone when he called, creating a boundary for communication. All communication was to be in writing. I took control of that part of my life. I still have a voicemail saved as a reminder of the strength it took for me to simply not answer the phone. The voicemail began,”Happy fuck you Wednesday,” and proceeded to toss insults throughout the voicemail. It was extremely powerful for my psyche to have taken control of whether or not to answer the phone. I didn’t realize the limitation of my own mental health, really, until that moment. Since then, I’ve had several aha moments with people in my life when it comes to acknowledging my limitations and creating boundaries for where I am right now. Let me ask you…..if a close friend asked you if her ex-husband could stay with you for the weekend, would you say yes? What if I told you that I said yes on one night, and felt weird about it because it was the first time I had ever met him? It’s not about thinking this man is some sort of weirdo or dangerous. Simply, it was that it didn’t feel comfortable. I had also agreed to allow this person to stay in my home when out of town. I’m a friend and want to support my friend, and this was my small way of helping her. So the next time I was asked to allow the ex-husband to stay with me when I was home, I said I would prefer not to have him at my house when I’m here; that I just didn’t feel comfortable; but that it was ok for him to be here when I’m out of town. The limitation I was experiencing was my comfort, while the boundary I was setting was that I couldn’t sacrifice my comfort by removing and disrespecting my limitation. The day I made that decision, which by the way was extremely hard for me, because I absolutely hate telling my friends no, ended the friendship. It wasn’t my choice to end the friendship. It was my decision to express my feelings and pray that my friend, who was there for me in some of my hardest moments, would understand that I didn’t come to this decision lightly. Unfortunately, that’s oftentimes the reaction when we show true authenticity and honesty. It’s sad really. I know how much it hurts when someone tells you something you don’t want to hear. Yet, I try hard to come from a place of understanding and compassion. I always look for positive intent, and for the best in everyone. If someone is coming to me with their heartfelt, genuine feelings, I am absolutely not one to walk away because it may hurt my feelings. I think I’ve learned a lot about myself, and people in general, over the years. Somehow it still surprises me when people walk out of my life over something like this. Maybe my standards for friendship and relationships are outside of the norm. I believe in redemption…..in knowing that mistakes are made, but generally not to harm others. We live and learn always. I’m learning to express myself in all relationships. I’ve learned that I spent 24 years with a man who didn’t react well when my feelings were shared. Crazy thing is that my kids, friends, colleagues and even strangers didn’t know me as someone who wouldn’t share my feelings. I was only that way with my ex-husband. I vowed to never do that again…..to share my thoughts when something weighs heavy, or when I want to share something meaningful to me. I’m certainly a verbal processor and maybe that comes on a bit strong……but it’s being authentically myself. If I’m dating someone, I want to be able to share my thoughts; express my vulnerabilities. I want that person to become my best friend. Isn’t that what we should all want? I want to be able to tell them all about my day, the good and bad. I want them to tell me all about their day. I want to know the dumbest things they think about, and the philosophical things they ponder. I want to know when God brings something beautifully difficult into their world, or when Godwinks occur to show them something they’ve waited for so long to attain. I want someone who doesn’t need the next six months decided, but who wants to dream with me about what’s possible in the next six months. I’m actually a pretty simple girl, but still one with boundaries and limitations. I’m learning what I’m able to live with, and what I’m not. There are lines that I draw in the sand. Respecting the sanctity of a relationship is something on which I will never, ever compromise. Of course, what does that respect look like? Well, to me, it’s listening to your partner, hearing them out and acting in a manner that supports what they’ve expressed. It’s digging deep and being honest with yourself about what you’re feeling. It’s knowing that someone who cares this much about you wouldn’t be sharing their most vulnerable thoughts unless they deeply respected you and want you in their life. Life isn’t easy and to expect everything to be easy is naive…..at least in my opinion. True and lasting relationships involve compromise, empathy, compassion, reassurance, forgiveness, love and respect. Slowly, but very surely, I’m learning to respect my limitations. I can’t do it all, but oh I so wish I could. This week, illness knocked me on my behind. I rarely, rarely miss work for any reason, especially illness. Yet, I was grounded for two days. I gave into my body and stayed home. It took a lot for me to accept that I couldn’t be at work and support my team and my students. At work, I’m always trying to help out as much as I can, and be there for everyone. I am no different in my personal life. I try. I fail. I succeed. I just keep showing up for the people in my life. What I want more than anything in this life is for someone to show up for me. I sometimes have to admit that I simply can’t do it all…….and admitting my limitations is a difficult task.