This is ME! I posted this on FaceBook back in January 2022. I thought it fitting to be my first blog post. There’s so very much to my story, but this speaks to where I started 2022.

I spoke to two friends today who said that people look at Facebook and think everything is rainbows and roses. Those conversations prompted me to write this. I have found that divorced women whom I’ve encountered are often embarrassed to talk about the divorce. I don’t mind sharing, because I don’t feel like I have anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. What I’m going through isn’t unique. We all struggle with finances, relationships, self worth….all of it! Social media makes it very difficult for our kids, anyone really, to see real life….they see all the most perfect parts of peoples’ lives. I am guilty of it too. I want people to see that I’m not in a puddle on my floor because my ex-husband created a whole new life with my former close friend….while we were still married. I want people to see that I’m not crawling into a hole because my marriage ended with me having sacrificed my career, my retirement, my livelihood so that I could raise children…..a decision I have never once regretted. I have to pick myself up, find the good in my life and move forward. What a difference two years makes. I no longer have to silence my voice. I spent 24 years doing that and I’ll never do that again. I no longer have to apologize for the poor behavior of someone else in order to maintain relationships. I get to be me, and that’s the greatest gift. I get to enjoy my kids and participate in all of their big and small moments. I get to talk to whomever I want, whenever I want. I get to go out with friends on a whim. That’s what people see on Facebook. I am strong, and I am resilient. Facebook allows me to show those who care that I’m ok. It’s hard to talk to everyone over text or on the phone, so Facebook provides the vehicle to stay in touch. HOWEVER, I am also lonely. I come home to an empty house everyday. It’s not the life I worked so hard to build in anticipation for when my kids started their own lives. I also worry daily about what the future looks like, because the planned future was ripped away from me….how I will pay for life over the next 50 years….yes, I’m going to live until at least 97 years old. I pick up the pieces when things fall apart. My kids are adults, but they are still my kids and still learning….they have to work through how their family ended up here. I wrestle with the emotions of feeling like I wasn’t good enough to have kept their family intact. Now dating again, (and by the way, dating at 47 is hard) I struggle with whether I’m “damaged goods” for another person. Am I pretty enough, small enough, fit enough, genuine enough, smart enough, sarcastic enough, financially secure enough, mom enough, sexy enough…. wondering what I have to offer at this stage in my life….will someone see me as all of those things. After all, I’m starting over as if I was 21 again, and not by a choice that I made. I have so many insecurities, but I’m also strong. These are the things no one wants to talk about, but everyone should. I’m not ashamed of my story. I am so honest about the things I could’ve done differently or better. I share that with anyone who wants to know. I also know that I gave my marriage everything I had….in good and VERY BAD times. I stuck to my vows. I’m genuine and I’m loyal. I love fiercely….to a fault. I’m empathetic to everyone, but so much more to those who are closest to me. I write this for my friends who feel like they aren’t seen and want to feel like they aren’t alone in their struggles. You’re not alone. We ALL have stuff. We ALL are going through things. Everyday is a new challenge. Some days are better than others. All I can say is keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’ve always hated the saying “it is what it is.” But, that’s what the past is. Learn from what didn’t work, change what you can change, but most importantly, be true to yourself and value yourself. I try really hard to do that. It’s tough when people with whom you spent your entire adult life don’t talk to you anymore….like they flipped a switch and you’re no longer in their lives. I didn’t choose that….but I also don’t have control over that. They have to deal with their own choices. All I can do is keep being honest, loyal, faithful, prayerful, genuine, empathetic, and maybe sometimes a little pissed off. Honestly, all it does is fuel me to pursue more in life. I’ve applied to graduate school (fingers crossed)…I’ll figure out how to pay for it later!:) I am reinventing my life. I’m singing again, I’m writing again. I’m reconnecting with friends. I have a lot of years left and I intend to enjoy them. I am lucky…..I have a great job with amazing colleagues, I have the best kids a mom could ask for, I have a family who is there no matter what and I have friends who treat me like family and I have the best dog. It doesn’t get much better than that! God has a plan…..I’m not always a fan of the execution, but I know the plan is great. My greatest prayer is that I find someone who loves all of me, and that includes loving my faults, my gifts, my kids, my friends, my family…..that person will get the absolute best of me. They just need to be willing to try to understand the shit that got me to the best of me! Anyway, I warned it was a long post. My prayer is that if it helps one person to read this, then my struggle is worth it. You aren’t alone. We all have this one life to live and we should want to make it count. I don’t have time or energy for superficial relationships. If you know me, you will know the real me….the good and the bad. My phone is always ready for a conversation with you. My door is always open to a visit. My wine is in the fridge waiting for happy hour with you. My airline miles and passport are ready to be used. Just say the word, and I’m here to listen. And trust me when I say….the last thing you’ll get from me is judgment.